Geezer Tips&Tricks #1 -- Scan this!

This is the first in a never-ending series (well, it might end when I kick the bucket) of Geezer Tips&Tricks to help make your life easier.  And if in the process it also aggravates the young and the restless, so much the better.  

Today’s lesson involves the grocery store, but it could be any place where you simply want to save a few bucks but aren’t about to fool around with all that techno-crap that some marketing idiot dreamed up to justify his six-figure salary.

Case in point: the special discounts on some items that only apply if you download the store app and use it to scan a bar code on the shelf with your alleged smart phone, and then…well I don’t know,  I never got that far because the dadgum thing wouldn’t work.  Which is why I deleted the aggravating app from my phone. But I still want that $2 off on the paper plates, and another $2 on the dish detergent. And as a loyal customer, I deserve it.  Plus, it’s blatant discrimination against techno-challenged seniors.

So here’s what I did.  As I approached my turn at checkout, I noticed that the checker looked like one of those young, ambitious types majoring in ‘puter science who's punching a register part-time.  (And bless her for supporting my Social Security.)  So I randomly pushed a bunch of buttons on my phone and sent the screen into a “loading” spin cycle that wouldn’t quit.

Then I went into my own slow-and-pitiful mode.  “Say young lady, there’s $2 off on  these two items at the shelf, but my phone won’t let me scan it in – can you help me out?” Of course she tried to show me how to find the app. But the little wheel icon kept spinning  and spinning. 

Meanwhile, the line behind us kept growing and growing with younger people in a hurry to catch their bus home, or whatever.  I was especially pleased that a young mother with two fidgety toddlers stood just behind me.  The more everyone rolled their eyes, the wider that clueless smile spread across my geezer face.

In short order, I had my discounts, sans app, and was on my way. That nice young checker even forgot to charge me for the plastic bags. When she graduates from ‘puter school, I'm hoping she'll replace that idiot who came up with the  bar code app. Maybe he can find work as a grocery bagger. 

Right answers to rude questions

One of my faithful subscribers (no offense to you other two) has just moved to a new state and applied for a driver’s license. Let’s call her Donna. She writes:   “When the Driver’s License man asked me the color of my hair, I really didn’t know what to say.  He said grey and I said ‘Okay.’  What do you do?”

Nobody asked his hair color!

Donna, it is a cold fact that people in this country are rude to their elders, and it’s time we started setting them straight.  In this case, given your culture (Southern) and the fact that your interrogator was male, the proper response to your hair color would have been to stand up and say, “Well, I never!” and then slap the living snot out of him.

This would set you up nicely for the next question – age.  Assuming

Seniors hit high, Colbert a faker?

Late Show yuckster Stephen Colbert recently poked fun at new research that shows more older Americans are using marijuana. The topic came up during a monologue about an attempted Canadian pot robbery that was pretty bizarre, even by geezer standards. 

During the bit, Colbert blew some smoke at geezer pot users: "Well, at least old people are now going to smell weird for a reason."

Oh yeah, Colbert? Then why are you trying to look like one of us? That scraggly white beard of yours looks like a baby possum hanging onto your chin. Any self-respecting geezer has better-looking facial hair....

Link to the comedy bit and Colbert's wanna-be beard here.

Phone outsmarts crosswalk of death

Do you get tired of taking your life in your hands when you walk across the street -- even in a legal crosswalk? Well, here's a tip that may help intimidate those rude drivers, even though they outweigh you by at least 2,000 pounds...OK, maybe.

For several months, I've had a problem crossing a street on my regular route to a local park. The pedestrian crosswalk is clearly marked, and there are even signs with solar-powered flashing lights. Big whoop, nobody stops for a geezer. Most drivers keep on exceeding the posted 35 mph limit. I got halfway across the street one day, in clear view, when a woman almost a block away hit the gas -- and if I hadn't stopped at the center line, she would have knocked me into the next week.

So I conducted a little experiment. I took my newfangled smartphone, punched the video button, and held it up in front of me as I approached

How this blog earned its name

One of the things that's wrong with this country is that we don't make real stuff anymore. We make "virtual" stuff and pretend it's real. We don't even use real money anymore -- look at that bitcoin nonsense. Anyway, one of the "heavy industries" in the United States these days involves gathering thousands of online names and then trying to sell them. No kidding. Fortunately, one of the best things about being a geezer is that you don't hesitate to tell people "no" when they want your money. Because geezers can always find some way to pay less. In this case, come up with another blog title from the "open market." Maybe even a better title....
April 11 DomainNameSales.com

 

Hello G,

My name is Dan A-------. I work as the primary broker to the registrant of "geezer.com." If you would like to move forward with the process of trying to acquire this website name, please submit an offer here. Thanks very much for your interest.

Warmly,

Dan A-------

Sales Director | DomainNameSales.com

April 22

GeezerPlanet.net

Dear Dan:

Go to hell.
Warmly, Geezer G