Right answers to rude questions

One of my faithful subscribers (no offense to you other two) has just moved to a new state and applied for a driver’s license. Let’s call her Donna. She writes:   “When the Driver’s License man asked me the color of my hair, I really didn’t know what to say.  He said grey and I said ‘Okay.’  What do you do?”

Nobody asked his hair color!

Donna, it is a cold fact that people in this country are rude to their elders, and it’s time we started setting them straight.  In this case, given your culture (Southern) and the fact that your interrogator was male, the proper response to your hair color would have been to stand up and say, “Well, I never!” and then slap the living snot out of him.

This would set you up nicely for the next question – age.  Assuming
he was able to get back on his chair and continue the application, you could then say, with the appropriate air of menace, “Just how old do you think I am?” Since the issue was now on him, no one could accuse you of lying about your age on the license.  This should be good for at least a 10-to-15-year discount, perhaps more if you really clocked him.

Let’s continue with the application interview: Sex? "Thanks for asking, but we’ve just met." Race? "Human."

Height and weight? He’ll be visibly flinching by now, so cut him a little slack.  If  you’ve been planning to go on a diet for years, then take it into account.  You know good and well you might lose 20 pounds before that New Year’s Party, so give yourself an advance credit. (Also remember to wear loose clothing to the DMV.)  

Sitting height 

Same thing applies to height – if you could still stand up straight, you’d be a couple inches taller. Now should you get pulled over by one of those baby-faced cops, you’ll be sitting in the driver’s seat, so what’s the harm  in adding a bit more verticality – it helps keep your license-listed weight proportional. For example, my weight would be just right if I were 6’7”, and if I’m sitting in the car, who knows the diff?

The secret is this. People are less likely to talk back to geezers, because yelling and spitting doesn’t embarrass us at this age, it’s just natural.  We can always fall back on the ultimate defense – dementia. Also, a cane in geezer hands can’t be described as a weapon, but it sure can make a strong impression.